The prefrontal lobes (part of the cerebral cortex) enable affect-regulation, or the
ability to regulate our emotional reactions, control our impulses, or moderate the survival reflexes
of our ancient reptilian system.
The prefrontal lobes are our most recently evolved brain area.22 This is also the last area to develop
in each individual–maturing between the ages of 15 and 25.23
Women want emotionally mature men. An emotionally mature man changes his emotions as
situations change–or to change a situation. Although his limbic brain experiences a wide range
of emotions, his higher self (his prefrontal lobes) stays constant. Such an individual is capable of
a long-termrelationship.
E.g., in Roxanne (1987), a man insults SteveMartin. Martin at first shows anger at the insult. But
then he switches to humor. Martin first makes jokes about himself. Then he switches the subject
of his wit to the other man, making a crowd laugh at the man. The other man shows only one
emotion–anger–in response to each ofMartin’s changing emotions.
Imagine that your emotions are like a car with a standard transmission. To shift from one emotion
to another, you shift through neutral. In neutral, you quiet one emotion before shifting to
another emotion. When you quiet your own emotions, you can feel your partner’s emotions.
Buddhists call this state egoless. Christians say selfless. When you feel your partner’s emotions,
you can select the best emotion for the situation.
4.3.1 Fear Reduces Us to Reptilian Responses
You meet an attractive woman. Your cerebral cortex imagines your friends’ envy if she goes out
with you.
Your limbic brain fears that she’ll reject you.
Your reptilian brain wants to have sex with her.
In a conflicted brain, the older brain area wins. You’re capable of having sex with her. Your
reptilian brain is perfectly functional.
Your limbic brain iswarning, "Don’t emotionally connect with her! You’ll get hurt!" You’re unable
to feel her emotional state. She seems like a beautiful statue in amuseum.
You’ve locked out your cerebral cortex. Language is a cerebral cortex activity, so you can only
stare at her breasts andmumble incoherently.
When integrated, [the triune brain] offers us an open-ended potential; an ability to rise and go
beyond all constraint or limitation. But when that integration fails, our mind is a house divided
against itself, our behavior a paradoxical civil war–and we become our own worst enemy.a
a Pearce, Joseph Chilton. The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint Of The Human Spirit (Park Street, 2002, ISBN
0-89281990-1), p. 23.
4.3.2 Developing Awareness of Choices
Cerebral cortex activity won’t get you out of an internal conflict. E.g., repeating positive statements
( affirmations) while blocking awareness of your emotional state won’t help.
Instead, connect to your limbic brain. Feel your emotional state.
Slowdown. When you react quickly, your brain selects myelinated or habitual responses. Instead
of going with your first reaction, pause and breathe.
Imagine your choices. Imagine alternative responses.
Think through your general fear to specific fears. E.g., you fear that she’ll say that you’re too
old for her. Imagine different responses you could make to that rejection: When Hugh Hefner
first asked Barbi Benton out, she said, "Well, I’ve, uh, never dated anyone over 23 before." Hef
responded without hesitation, "That’s okay. Neither have I."24
You’ll no longer feel fear. What seemed like an insurmountable problem now looks like a variety
of choices, each leading to a positive conclusion.
Imagining different possible futures is a cerebral cortex activity. Feeling emotions is a limbic
brain activity. Imagining your emotions in various scenarios connects your cerebral cortex and
limbic brain. You unblock your internal conflicts.
4.3.3 Play a Game
When an unexpected event upsets you, the problem isn’t the event. The problem is that you don’t
know how to respond. When you’re upset you fail to see positive opportunities. You see only that
your plans are blocked. Instead, stay flexible and look for opportunities in unexpected events.
E.g., a man sees a woman sitting in a bar booth. He walks over, bends down to talk to her, and
bonks his head on a lampshade hanging over the table. Momentarily stunned, he stands there
while the lampshade swings back and bonks his head a second time.
He says, "Excuse me. Let me do this again." He returns to his bar stool. He comes back to the
woman, puts his hand calmly on the lampshade, bends down, and introduces himself.
This happened to one of my friends. He and the woman dated for severalmonths.
He managed his fear by playing a game. Play boosts emotional experience, and develops relationships
with other individuals.
Children play obvious games. Adults play subtle games. Let’s make my friend’s game more obvious:
Shift to a pretend world. : He said, in effect, "I’m going to pretend to meet you." In pretend
worlds we’re less afraid of showing emotions.
Focus on a bipolar construct. : Psychologists call a pair of opposite ideas a bipolar construct. A
literature major would say irony. Whatever you call it, when an individual does two, opposite
things at the same time, we laugh. In this game, the bipolar construct was being cool vs. being
clumsy.
Exaggerate emotions. : If my friend had played the game to entertain a child, he would’ve
amplified his emotions. E.g., he returns to his bar stool. Then he pretends to see the woman
for the first time. His eyes pop open and his jaw drops. His hand shakes and he nearly spills
his beer in his lap. He exaggerates preening in the barmirror, then swaggers over.
Repeat the game : If he were playing the game to entertain a child, he’d bonk his head on the
lampshade–three times. Then he’d repeat the skit. He could repeat it thirty times and the child
would laugh every time.
Exchange roles. : If he were entertaining a child, he’d trade places with the child. The child
would pretend to be clumsy Joe Cool.
20
Emotional Connection
Make your game physical and unstructured. : Children play physical, unstructured, noncompetitive
games. Adults play abstract, non-physical, structured, competitive games, e.g.,
spectator sports, casino gambling, ballroomdancing, and board games. My friend’s game was
physical (bonking his head on the lampshade) and unstructured (he didn’t hand out a sheet
of rules).
Schedule playtime. : For your next party, tell your guests that the first hour will be games, e.g.,
Twister.
4.3.4 Laugh to Connect Your Limbic Brain and Cerebral Cortex
Only humans laugh. Other animals express emotions as they occur. Our emotional regulation
stops us fromsuddenly expressing unexpected emotions.
Our cerebral cortex sends emotions it doesn’t know how to regulate to our speech area, and we
laugh. We associate laughter with humor because humor is always unexpected. But humor isn’t
one emotion. Humor is any emotion we can’t regulate. Because different individuals regulate
different emotions well or poorly, different individuals laugh at different events.
A sense of humor attracts women. Laugh in emotional situations, e.g., when you do something
embarrassing. Laughing connects your limbic brain and cerebral cortex, enabling better awareness
of your emotions.
4.3.5 Reveal a Secret to Emotionally Connect
In 1957, a youngman arrived inNashville. He stuttered, but played guitar, and could singwithout
stuttering.
Soon he had a job performing with Minnie Pearl, the country comedienne. Pearl encouraged
himto talk on stage. He refused, afraid that the audience would laugh at his speech.
Pearl replied:
Let ’em laugh. Goodness gracious, laughs are hard to get and I’msure that they’re laughing with
you and not against you,Melvin.a
a Nefsky, Art. Letter fromMel Tillis, Sept. 30, 1997, http://www.nefsky.com/tillis.htm.
The singer developed humorous routines about his stuttering. Audiences laughed. His career
took off.
Word began to circulate around Nashville about this young singer from Florida who could write
songs and sing, but stuttered like hell when he tried to talk. The next thing I knew I was being
asked to be on every major television show in America.a
HowWomen SelectMen
Don’t be afraid to share a secret. Women share secrets with girlfriends to emotionally connect
(see WOMEN’S SUPPORT CIRCLES25). But don’t whine about your problems. Instead, talk confidently
about a secret to show that you’ve turned a weakness into strength.
ability to regulate our emotional reactions, control our impulses, or moderate the survival reflexes
of our ancient reptilian system.
The prefrontal lobes are our most recently evolved brain area.22 This is also the last area to develop
in each individual–maturing between the ages of 15 and 25.23
Women want emotionally mature men. An emotionally mature man changes his emotions as
situations change–or to change a situation. Although his limbic brain experiences a wide range
of emotions, his higher self (his prefrontal lobes) stays constant. Such an individual is capable of
a long-termrelationship.
E.g., in Roxanne (1987), a man insults SteveMartin. Martin at first shows anger at the insult. But
then he switches to humor. Martin first makes jokes about himself. Then he switches the subject
of his wit to the other man, making a crowd laugh at the man. The other man shows only one
emotion–anger–in response to each ofMartin’s changing emotions.
Imagine that your emotions are like a car with a standard transmission. To shift from one emotion
to another, you shift through neutral. In neutral, you quiet one emotion before shifting to
another emotion. When you quiet your own emotions, you can feel your partner’s emotions.
Buddhists call this state egoless. Christians say selfless. When you feel your partner’s emotions,
you can select the best emotion for the situation.
4.3.1 Fear Reduces Us to Reptilian Responses
You meet an attractive woman. Your cerebral cortex imagines your friends’ envy if she goes out
with you.
Your limbic brain fears that she’ll reject you.
Your reptilian brain wants to have sex with her.
In a conflicted brain, the older brain area wins. You’re capable of having sex with her. Your
reptilian brain is perfectly functional.
Your limbic brain iswarning, "Don’t emotionally connect with her! You’ll get hurt!" You’re unable
to feel her emotional state. She seems like a beautiful statue in amuseum.
You’ve locked out your cerebral cortex. Language is a cerebral cortex activity, so you can only
stare at her breasts andmumble incoherently.
When integrated, [the triune brain] offers us an open-ended potential; an ability to rise and go
beyond all constraint or limitation. But when that integration fails, our mind is a house divided
against itself, our behavior a paradoxical civil war–and we become our own worst enemy.a
a Pearce, Joseph Chilton. The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint Of The Human Spirit (Park Street, 2002, ISBN
0-89281990-1), p. 23.
4.3.2 Developing Awareness of Choices
Cerebral cortex activity won’t get you out of an internal conflict. E.g., repeating positive statements
( affirmations) while blocking awareness of your emotional state won’t help.
Instead, connect to your limbic brain. Feel your emotional state.
Slowdown. When you react quickly, your brain selects myelinated or habitual responses. Instead
of going with your first reaction, pause and breathe.
Imagine your choices. Imagine alternative responses.
Think through your general fear to specific fears. E.g., you fear that she’ll say that you’re too
old for her. Imagine different responses you could make to that rejection: When Hugh Hefner
first asked Barbi Benton out, she said, "Well, I’ve, uh, never dated anyone over 23 before." Hef
responded without hesitation, "That’s okay. Neither have I."24
You’ll no longer feel fear. What seemed like an insurmountable problem now looks like a variety
of choices, each leading to a positive conclusion.
Imagining different possible futures is a cerebral cortex activity. Feeling emotions is a limbic
brain activity. Imagining your emotions in various scenarios connects your cerebral cortex and
limbic brain. You unblock your internal conflicts.
4.3.3 Play a Game
When an unexpected event upsets you, the problem isn’t the event. The problem is that you don’t
know how to respond. When you’re upset you fail to see positive opportunities. You see only that
your plans are blocked. Instead, stay flexible and look for opportunities in unexpected events.
E.g., a man sees a woman sitting in a bar booth. He walks over, bends down to talk to her, and
bonks his head on a lampshade hanging over the table. Momentarily stunned, he stands there
while the lampshade swings back and bonks his head a second time.
He says, "Excuse me. Let me do this again." He returns to his bar stool. He comes back to the
woman, puts his hand calmly on the lampshade, bends down, and introduces himself.
This happened to one of my friends. He and the woman dated for severalmonths.
He managed his fear by playing a game. Play boosts emotional experience, and develops relationships
with other individuals.
Children play obvious games. Adults play subtle games. Let’s make my friend’s game more obvious:
Shift to a pretend world. : He said, in effect, "I’m going to pretend to meet you." In pretend
worlds we’re less afraid of showing emotions.
Focus on a bipolar construct. : Psychologists call a pair of opposite ideas a bipolar construct. A
literature major would say irony. Whatever you call it, when an individual does two, opposite
things at the same time, we laugh. In this game, the bipolar construct was being cool vs. being
clumsy.
Exaggerate emotions. : If my friend had played the game to entertain a child, he would’ve
amplified his emotions. E.g., he returns to his bar stool. Then he pretends to see the woman
for the first time. His eyes pop open and his jaw drops. His hand shakes and he nearly spills
his beer in his lap. He exaggerates preening in the barmirror, then swaggers over.
Repeat the game : If he were playing the game to entertain a child, he’d bonk his head on the
lampshade–three times. Then he’d repeat the skit. He could repeat it thirty times and the child
would laugh every time.
Exchange roles. : If he were entertaining a child, he’d trade places with the child. The child
would pretend to be clumsy Joe Cool.
20
Emotional Connection
Make your game physical and unstructured. : Children play physical, unstructured, noncompetitive
games. Adults play abstract, non-physical, structured, competitive games, e.g.,
spectator sports, casino gambling, ballroomdancing, and board games. My friend’s game was
physical (bonking his head on the lampshade) and unstructured (he didn’t hand out a sheet
of rules).
Schedule playtime. : For your next party, tell your guests that the first hour will be games, e.g.,
Twister.
4.3.4 Laugh to Connect Your Limbic Brain and Cerebral Cortex
Only humans laugh. Other animals express emotions as they occur. Our emotional regulation
stops us fromsuddenly expressing unexpected emotions.
Our cerebral cortex sends emotions it doesn’t know how to regulate to our speech area, and we
laugh. We associate laughter with humor because humor is always unexpected. But humor isn’t
one emotion. Humor is any emotion we can’t regulate. Because different individuals regulate
different emotions well or poorly, different individuals laugh at different events.
A sense of humor attracts women. Laugh in emotional situations, e.g., when you do something
embarrassing. Laughing connects your limbic brain and cerebral cortex, enabling better awareness
of your emotions.
4.3.5 Reveal a Secret to Emotionally Connect
In 1957, a youngman arrived inNashville. He stuttered, but played guitar, and could singwithout
stuttering.
Soon he had a job performing with Minnie Pearl, the country comedienne. Pearl encouraged
himto talk on stage. He refused, afraid that the audience would laugh at his speech.
Pearl replied:
Let ’em laugh. Goodness gracious, laughs are hard to get and I’msure that they’re laughing with
you and not against you,Melvin.a
a Nefsky, Art. Letter fromMel Tillis, Sept. 30, 1997, http://www.nefsky.com/tillis.htm.
The singer developed humorous routines about his stuttering. Audiences laughed. His career
took off.
Word began to circulate around Nashville about this young singer from Florida who could write
songs and sing, but stuttered like hell when he tried to talk. The next thing I knew I was being
asked to be on every major television show in America.a
HowWomen SelectMen
Don’t be afraid to share a secret. Women share secrets with girlfriends to emotionally connect
(see WOMEN’S SUPPORT CIRCLES25). But don’t whine about your problems. Instead, talk confidently
about a secret to show that you’ve turned a weakness into strength.
No comments:
Post a Comment